Where we gonna go from here

Change up that song you’re listening to. For me, it happened around a bend. I find beauty and excitement in not knowing what there’s to see around this bend. When I get around it I see something I don’t expect–clarity. I swear my heart jumps a beat as the moment takes my breath away.

THIS is how I want to feel.

I want to feel excited about something I know nothing about yet. I want to be excited about it all, feel it all, and take as much of it as I can in.

It–being life, I suppose.

I feel like I have been in the indecisive stage of my life for way too long. I haven’t really found a focus towards any particular passion. I hit a rut. Feeling stuck and  unsure about most things.

Moving on though, I realize a few things. I have this fire in me that wants to do something big and awesomeI want to push myself to new places and feelings. I want be on the track to discover the best me.

There will always be something that holds one back. So you just have to ask yourself. Do you want to sing something new? There’s a lot of shit that we force ourselves to deal with. Stress. Overworking. Exhaustion. Boredom. Indifference. There’s more out there– you know it too! Stop pretending or making excuses as to why you can’t do something you want to do. So you gotta think, besides the impossible,  what the hell is holding you back? Find out, and karate kick it away!

Wander on, fools.

Sometimes you have to pull to receive.  Things we let push into our lives don’t always turn out being what we actually want. Rather, we need to pull and cherish the things we love and enjoy.

We grew up with fairy tales and movies showing us that it’s possible to be have a happily ever after. Yet, we are constantly reminded that those tales are, in fact, fairies spewing lies of happiness. We are taught to listen to other people, learn what they tell us, and live by those standards of humanity.

But, I think, being human is exactly the opposite. We are the one species who have the ability to have our own thoughts, think about those thoughts, and pursue any goddamn thing we want. We have thumbs, legs, and a smart as hell brain for a reason. We are meant to create our own life–I mean if we have the ability to then why shouldn’t we be meant for greatness?

It true, a lot of us are phonies waiting for something wonderful to get pushed into our lives. Life can be less complicated that way, I’m sure. But, you want a wish to come true? Well you’re going to have to lay your ass down, and take some time to look up into the sky for those magic balls of light to streak through our sky for the 2 seconds we can see them. Opportunities are like those shooting stars. They’re there. Right above us. Flying by for us to look at them, make a wish, take a chance, and believe in something bigger than what we have. We have the ability to hope, to wonder, and to wander.

So wander on fools, because what better things do we have to do right now?

Make a move, man.

If you don’t give something a chance, you’re risking missing out on that something… So which is the greater risk? Risking giving something a chance? Or risking missing out on the effect it may have on your life?

Weird to think about, right?

I mean, how are we supposed to know which risks are the risks that will positively influence us? We do only have a certain amount of time to put our efforts into…

So, risks–chances really. Say you have the chance to do something, meet someone, or go somewhere. When/where is it that you decide that that chance is not worth taking. Unless you’re a mind reader,  I would say you are taking a bigger risk by choosing to not take that chance.

With me?!…

So, you might as well make a damn decision AND TAKE THAT CHANCE.

 

Can you go under the limbo stick?

I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.

This is your song.

This is your life, and you can sing how you want to.

The hardest part is deciding how you want to live it, right? Because if it was easy we would have more people working jobs they enjoy,  we would be vacationing often, and we’d end up with our soulmate, right?

Maybe life is suppose to be hard, confusing, and daunting. Maybe we need to be scared shitless in order for the universe to throw some balls in our court. Maybe it’s testing us all on how bad we want it. Greatness is brewed in the journey. We can’t Netflix and Chill, and expect our minds to stay sharp and ambitious. Things don’t just roll out perfectly. Actually, things have a way of turning out different than how you want, so it’s up to you to work your booty off to make it right. Especially if you are interested in actually enjoying your life.

There’s a difference between being content with your life, and thoroughly enjoying it. To thoroughly enjoy, you gotta actively  be a part of your life. If you mindlessly work it away, and then spend the rest of your time melting your brain in front of your super thin TV, you might lose sight of what’s really important. LIVING. DOING SOMETHING. MAKING SOME TYPE OF IMPACT ON SOMETHING. Putting effort into something feels good. It’ll make you want to do more. Try it out with me, I’m new to this whole real world thing, too.

If you are having trouble focusing your life onto something, know you are not alone. I thought I was the alien in the crowd, but talking to other people, I have found that everyone goes through a limbo stage in life. I have also found that when I tell people I am currently focusing on enjoying my life and just doing me at the moment, they nod with understanding. They then proceed to tell me that they themselves aren’t sure what they want to do with their life. Keep in mind that these are also people who have their degree–hell, even their masters. These are people who chose a path, and have realized it may not be the best one for them. But you don’t see many actually change the course that they’re already on. Why? Because it’s probably fucking hard!

We are all on the search for happiness and enjoyment. Just because you jumped through the hoops of college, and kiss your boss’s ass doesn’t mean that your shit is forever together. Enjoyment comes when everyday you actively put something into your day. You can’t expect the universe to just give you want you want without you giving it anything, did you?

 

 

What happens when you drive on the wrong side of the road?

A friend recently gave me some advice. He said, “Emily, you know, you can choose how long you want to feel bad about a shitty situation. You can let it affect you all the time for a long time, or you can decide that you’re ready to just move on. You know, it’s a lot like a technique people use to grieve. You set aside something like 5 minutes a day to allow yourself to feel bad, cry, scream, do whatever you need to do. When the 5 minutes are up the rest of the day you don’t allow the bad situation to enter your thoughts and take over your day. You make it a priority to move on, and to be happy. I mean, who says you have to stay unhappy for awhile.”

And I thought, ‘you know what…that’s fucking great advice.’

They drive on the other side of the road in Europe…on the other side of the car. Oh, and not to mention skinny windy roads where technically the speed limit is 100km/h, but you’re struggling driving them at 40km/h. But that’s Ireland for ya. Visions of me accidently driving us off a cliff and seeing the ocean surface get closer and closer to our windshield before water explodes into our faces definitely played in the back of my mind a few times the night before I had to drive. But when I hopped into our tiny car off to our adventure I felt oddly in control. Which, I realize is a feeling your should have while behind the wheel of a moving vehicle. But I mean I oddly felt in control of my life at that moment–doing something I had never done before, had scary dramatic visions of, and yet I felt…intrigued. I was taking a direction.

This was the first big trip I planned, payed for, and attempted out of the country. I had no idea what to expect, and mostly no idea how I’d feel. I didn’t want to have too much expectations of having life altering realizations while in Ireland, but I guess I did hope for a lil something. So, as I’m embarking on a journey where it just seems too good to be true, no clue on what to expect, I find myself zooming through the Irish country roads adoring the breathtaking scenery–having the time of my life. There’s my lil something.

Once you allow yourself to be open to things, you learn a lot about yourself. So, let yourself try something new. Let yourself feel butterflies. Let yourself laugh with strangers, and let yourself fall into adventures. Because when you drive on the wrong side of the road, you’ll find that it’s a hell of a lot of fun and something you want to be familiar with.

This is it, the end of college. Shit. I mean, hooray!

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“I should ask them for a ride,” said the girl from my class as we were walking out of the building. She was talking about a pickup truck stopped at the stoplight  with 4 rowdy college boys in the bed of it–no tailgate. I laughed. (It’s one of the first nice days after dealing with yucky winter, so as you can see people were celebrating.) Then the next moment she is running across the street to really ask them for a ride! After a little budging, 3 guys inside open the doors and let her jump in. I laugh again in disbelief–mostly at the fact that she literally just jumped into a truck full of people she doesn’t know. (Now I know you may be thinking that a girl getting into a car full of strange guys isn’t the smartest, but keep in mind that this happened in broad daylight and Spartans tend to generally see the good in people.) 

After the light turned red again, I crossed the street and preceded to walk to my bus stop across campus. Along the way I couldn’t but help but think about that girl. Not that what she did was a bad or dangerous decision, but that I wish I could be as spontaneous as that. I would never do something that crazy and out of the blue. I mean, I do do spontaneous things sometimes, but never have I decided something that quick! That truck was waiting for the light to turn green. When I saw them, my only thought was “haha that’s funny.” While, this girl was already thinking about running over and asking them for a ride!

 

Lately, I have been searching for some inspiration.  Finishing up my last semester of college has got me seriously freaking out about the fucking future. I’m graduating from a Big 10 University, and I STILL don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. My plan was to have this figured out by now. It’s only been this last year that I have actually begun to enjoy my major. So, what should I do?

No idea here.

So. That is why I am searching for some inspiration. I need to find out what makes me excited about life. What makes me passionate. I have began to feel a lot of inspiration and passion for a business of mine, but I’m looking for even more. I’m looking for a  new mindset, and a happy balance in life. I know whatever journey I am about to embark on is not going to be easy. The lost and wandering college grad doesn’t get it’s bad rep from nothing. But, I’m actually excited about this part of my life. Now, that statement might totally bite me in the ass here soon, but I’m keeping an open mind.

So, back to the girl who jumped in the truck. She reminded me that life is about living! I gotta get out there! Too often I find myself cooped up not taking any risks. AND I’M SO BORED. Not to say that my life is boring, but I am bored with doing the same ol shit sometimes. I’m craving something brand spankin new, even if it scares the poop out of me.

Netflix, it’s been real. But I’ve gotta cut down our chill time. It’s not you, you’re great. Seriously, great. It’s me…

 

An Untitled Mess

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog post–so long that the WordPress layout looks different. Yikes! It’s not that I haven’t thought about writing, because every day I have at least one thought that I want to expand on in a blog post…However, I simply have been struggling gathering my thoughts into a sophisticated–alright, organized–manner. There are so many things going on in my life. So much, that at times all I do is sit on the couch and Netflix for hours ha ha…By that, I mean the drama of my life has been overwhelming my brain so it resorts to the enjoyment mode rather than the productive mode. This enjoyment mode has given my life some variety. Instead of romantic comedies taking up most of my days, now action packed thrillers have been added to the watch list. Yay!

I hope you can sense the sarcasm. It’s true, much of my life the past few months has been spent in front of the television (when I’m not at school, work, or the dive bar down the street from me.) I have let life get the best of me more than a few times, recently. Mostly, what gets me isn’t so much how life is presently, but how my future looks like.

This is what my mindset has been: I have to finish up this last year of school, and after I graduate my life can FINALLY start to live the way I want. I will finally be able to quit my job as a server, move to any city I want, and pursue the business dreams I have.

This still takes up much of my mindset, however in this last semester of school, it has begun to dawn on me that life may not be as freeing as I think it will be. I will have extra massive student loan bills, my car is about to die on me, and my residence situation continues to spew complications.

To say my life is a mess, is not true. To say my life is easy, is not true. To say I know where I am going next, is not true. To say I know what I want, is not true. What I can say is true is I am more open to finding myself and discovering what makes me happy. I have always lived in the moment–a bit of a flaw at times, but also a bit of a blessing. As I continue to live in the moment, I also have the pressure to become the person I want to be. Now, I am not completely sure who that is, but I can say from this point forward I am much more aware of my surroundings, and how happy I truly am in them.

My future scares the shit out me–mostly because I think that the mistakes I make will lead me into the wrong direction. I am terrified I am going to settle with life. Now this has always been something I said I would never do. But as each year passes, I now see it as something that can easily happen. I now understand why so many people end up at the places they are–it’s easy to fall into something and just stick to it for YEARS.

Well, this is the time not to “just do something.” Now is the time to DO SOMETHING BECAUSE OF SOMETHING. This goes for everybody, any age, any time in their life. When life starts to become something you aren’t proud of, there is always time to do something/ create something that you are proud to call yours.

Food for thought.

Meditating thoughts

My eyes are hollow. My throat is calm. My legs are draped over the ground and I am sinking deep into my mat. Meditation is coming to the end, and I don’t want to open my eyes. The weight from my life is dripping beneath me. My worries are sinking, sinking, sinking. I could stay here forever–I wish. To me, the end of meditation is the worst. I have to muster all that I can to bring my energy back into my body, and try to hold the relaxation I just obtained for the rest of the day. It’s a daunting task, but I bring the drippings back into me, and wait for the last possible moment to open my eyes. As soon as I do, I know I’ll be back–back to the real world.

This is the world where I have responsibilities. I have money issues, relationship issues, school issues…I don’t want to open my eyes yet. I want to stay in the place I just created for MYSELF. But finally, I have to come back.

It feels like a rubber band slingshots me back into my body, and I open my eyes.

Namaste.

A dream of sitting.

I am an intense dreamer. I mean it. My dreams at night sometimes are so vivid, it feels like another life is being lived inside my head. Sometimes I wake up and can’t quite remember my dreams, but I have a feeling that some life abruptly ceased to exist as soon as I woke up. Dreams are a mystery to me, and I love that I am able to remember a lot of them. Often I have reoccurring dreams. Sometimes they even pick up from a past dream. Crazy. It can feel like I never left, and I remember things I didn’t know I knew or remembered.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt that I was marrying into royalty. The face of who I was marrying is insignificant, and I can’t remember who it was–my dream focused on something else.

The one thing that stuck out was the weight of the responsibility I was about to take on. I was going to be Queen–and I didn’t want to be. During the dream, I was sitting next to somebody–my confidant perhaps–looking out at some scenic view…water possibly. I was deeply thinking, and worried about my future as queen. I said something to the effect, “do you ever feel that what we are looking at today is going to be different tomorrow? It may look the same, but in every other way it will be different.”  I remember feeling so powerless. So sad. And scared. I didn’t question my capabilities of being queen, but rather how I could live a life that wasn’t mine. 

 I sat there in my dream and thought. It’s a strange feeling to be aware of yourself thinking in a dream–like Inception. Usually dreams just happen, and you have no control.  But this night, my dream was at a standstill. I was watching myself think–just think. It was as if I was looking deep into my mind trying to find some answer. This dream was the closest I have come in contact with my subconscious, i think. I couldn’t see it or understand it. But I was looking toward it. Perplexed, worried, and in awe, I oddly felt peaceful. I looked off into the distance, saw the edge of a vague truth, and came to terms with the fact that I may never understand the workings of my mind.

Today the dream itself is foggy. But the feeling I had in my dream is palpable. That’s the beauty of dreams. They force you to feel things you can’t seem to feel in reality. These feelings are often things you wouldn’t expect. Dreams are odd in that way–our vast minds stir up madness in order to find clarity.

Stoplight blues

Today I was waiting at a red light at a cross-section that I drive through almost on the daily, and have been since I could drive…Except this time, waiting at the light, I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore. Looking around I realize I have had some great times and memories in this city. Sitting there, I wonder if I have done and experienced what I was meant to experience here. The thought came to my mind so suddenly, it felt more than just an “ah ha!” moment, but rather like a slap in the face.

Every year to me is like a new lifetime. Every year I feel a bit older and wiser, because I am, and I feel different. I can look back to my past lifetimes and still feel how I did then. It’s an odd sensation that I usually quickly shake out of my mind because it also brings me a claustrophobic feeling.

Lately, I haven’t been doing much. I can’t say I’m proud of anything I have created this summer simply because I haven’t created anything. I have not written, drawn, photographed, or designed anything all summer. What I have done is finished several decent Netflix TV shows, and explored Michigan a bit. This summer I totally wandered. I did whatever I felt like. My only commitment has been when I was scheduled to work. Other than that, I’ve been blissfully/painfully lazy.

This red light made me realize that maybe I have over stayed this stage of my life. Maybe my restlessness is coming from more than the anxiety of finishing my undergrad. It feels like NOW there is no better time for something new.