Well fuck

Lately, I have been lost. Actually, my whole life, I have been lost. I have been happy, excited, and determined at times, but by the end of the day I can’t help but self analyze myself. I am a HUGE procrastinator, and I think my ADD is beginning to get the best of me (or at least now it is becoming exceedingly apparent).

For months I have sat on my couch contemplating where I should go next–in life. Then I quickly pick up the remote and turn on Netflix… I’m only now realizing how much of a toll this attitude is taking on me. I am PROCRASTINATING on moving forward. It’s easy for me to blame school, winter, and work for my inability to actually be the person I want to be. When people ask me what I’ve been up to I ALWAYS answer: “Oh you know, school and work…”. FUCKING WORST ANSWER EVER, and I’m SICK of it. I’m sick of saying it, and I’m SICK of thinking it. My mind has always been a mystery to me. Often I get lost in it, and wonder WHY THE HELL I am thinking that…

The point of this ramble is to help myself understand what the hell I want to do. By writing, some of my inner problems become real. I don’t feel so crazy for feeling like I left myself behind a while ago. But the truth is, that’s how I often feel. I used to look at myself and be glad for who I am, and who I have become. Now, I do feel grateful for my life and the people in it, but I now feel a vacancy within me that I don’t know how to even look at.

Some of you may know that these past 2 years I have been taking my stab at network marketing. And let me tell ya, IT HAS SUCKED. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret a second of it, and I have learned A LOT and have made some AMAZING friendships. I have discovered the profound power of personal development, even though lately I have swayed from utilizing its powers… In the end, I have discovered that network marketing is GREAT for some people. It could even be great for me at some point, but I hate doing it. Again, this goes into my own personal motivation and dedication issues. My network marketing peeps probably would see this as an excuse I am making for my failures, and I have to get over my shit and JUST DO IT. Well, that’s a valid point and in many ways right.

At this point in my life–this week– I have forgotten to enjoy the small beauties in life. I have forgotten to immerse the people I love with waterfalls of the appreciation and love they deserve from me. I have become a pass by girl who smiles at you, but doesn’t try to become your friend. I realize how awful this makes me sound, and I’m not a fan of my latest attitudes. But by writing this, I think I could maybeeeee relate with others? I am not about to say–like I have in previous posts/statuses–that now I am going to change and suddenly find this power within me to become the person I want to be, and then proceed to give advice to others about of what could be best for them. Because honestly, I think that’s a load of crap. It’s one thing to know what you need to do, and it’s one thing to try to inspire others by telling them what they need to do, and then it’s another thing actually living by your word inside and out. It’s hard as fuck. I thought I would be able to come across this divine feeling within me, and everything will end up ok. Maybe it will one day, but right now I’m not doing so hot.

As I look back at what I’m writing, and even as I’m typing, I think I may be getting at the wrong message I really am not trying to make a point, and I do not want to come off as whiney–even though I am seeing that I in fact am being whiney. The point of this post is not to have a message that others can learn from. This post is for me. For me to DO SOMETHING.  I need to feel like I am making some attempt to find myself. I want to find myself in my writing. I want to find answers in my writing. I want to affect people in a positive way. (And yes I am aware of all the “wants” I am writing) I think my mind is a bit fucked up, and totally scrambled up, but I also think that the way my mind works is great. It is chaotic, ADD driven, complicated, and full of care and compassion. But I am striving to weave in and out of the mess of my mind, and make something out of it.

So! To the people who have graciously continued to read this now over 800 word post, I will give you something. I will vow to blog my insane mind to you every week. Now, I’m extremely bad at keeping to something for more than 2 weeks, so please understand if my vow becomes a bit stretched out, but this is my first attempt. This summer, my goal is to become a daily blogger, and offer wise words of something. So since I have to start somewhere, I might as well start here. So here’s to this awkward journey, and forgive me in advance if I offend you with my thoughts. But then again…you are the one reading.

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